Do You Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex?

So, I've been wanting to talk about something that's been on my mind lately. Something real and raw that a lot of us dads deal with but don't always know how to handle: co-parenting when things aren't exactly... friendly.

I'll just come out and say it - I'm not perfect. Far from it. There are probably things I should have done but didn't. But the one thing I have done is fight for my daughter since day one.

My story's probably familiar to some of you. My two oldest are with my high school sweetheart - we were together 20 years with our share of ups and downs. During a 4-year separation, I met someone else. Brief relationship. She got pregnant. My youngest daughter was born, and my life got a whole lot more complicated.

The relationship with my youngest daughter's mom has been troublesome since day one. Those first couple years? Man, it was rough. She basically used my daughter as leverage against me. "You can't see her if you don't do this." "You can't see her if you don't come here." Always something.

Then she got into another relationship, and suddenly I could see my daughter more - probably because she was preoccupied with something else. Isn't it funny how that works?

Now, I'm not sharing this to talk negatively about my daughter's mother. That's not what this is about. But here's what I've noticed: when she's not in a relationship, we have great communication. When she is? That line goes dead. Just this week, something popped off again. I won't go into details because there's no need, but it's an issue that shouldn't have happened. Both sides lost their cool, let eachother get up their skin, and said things they shouldn’t have.

The Question That Changed Everything

A friend of mine who's a family social worker asked me something that stopped me in my tracks: "Do you love your kids more than you hate your ex?"

Harsh, right? But necessary.

Of course, I answered yes. What parent wouldn't? But it made me think about how I've been approaching this whole co-parenting thing.

Because here's the truth - when two people have a child together, it's on both of them to raise that child. It's on both parents to be civil to each other so they can raise that child in a peaceful, stress-free environment.

That hasn't always been the case for us. Far from it. But that question keeps me centered, now, when things get heated.

What I've Learned About Co-Parenting the Hard Way

1. Realize You're In a Battle (But Your Kid Shouldn't Be)

One article I read put it bluntly: "Realize you are in a battle." That may sound cruel, but there's truth to it, especially if your ex has some narcissistic tendencies.

But here's the thing - while you might be in a battle with your ex, your kid should never feel caught in the crossfire.

I've had to learn when to stand my ground and when to let things go. Not every hill is worth dying on. Sometimes keeping the peace means swallowing your pride. ( that s**t is hard as hell.)

2. Keep Things Legal When You Can

Having a written parenting plan would have been a game-changer for me. Dont always trust the the other side will do right by you (sad to say). I would have called it "the civil playbook": Who has the kids; When; How holidays are spent, etc, all laid out in black and white.

When things are written down, there's less room for manipulation. When my daughter's mom would try to change plans last minute without good reason, I would have something to point to. You will work on her time but then she will turn around and say she’s appeasing you.

There are even apps now that help track communication between parents. Some of the better ones I've heard about are OurFamilyWizard and 2Houses. Worth checking out if verbal communication always seems to go sideways. I can’t get my kids’ mother on board, but maybe you will have better luck lol.

3. Do the "Invisible Labor" (Sometimes)

I read this in an article recently and it hit home. Not the household chores kind of invisible labor, but the peace-keeping kind.

Sometimes I do things that aren't technically "my job" according to our agreement, just to keep things running smoothly. Not because I'm a pushover, but because I've learned that co-parenting isn't a quid pro quo situation.

The moment you start keeping score is the moment everything falls apart.

That doesn't mean letting your ex slack on their responsibilities. But if picking up your daughter 15 minutes earlier occasionally means avoiding a two-hour argument that she might overhear? Worth it. Absolutly Worth It.

4. Watch How You Talk About Your Ex

This one's tough, especially when you're frustrated. But kids see themselves in both parents. When you talk down about their other parent, they internalize that criticism.

My oldest daughter once told me something that stopped me cold: "Dad, when you say mom is crazy, it makes me feel like half of me is crazy too."

Talk about a wake-up call.

Now I try to save any necessary venting for my buddies or therapist - never for my daughters' ears.

5. Notice the Patterns

Like I mentioned earlier, I've noticed that our co-parenting goes smoothly when my ex isn't in a relationship and gets rocky when she is. Recognizing this pattern helps me prepare mentally when I know a change is coming. Thats somthing I’m still working at and it will take some time. Definitely not something that will happen over night.

Whatever your situation, there are probably patterns too. Does communication break down around holidays? When money's tight? When new partners enter the picture?

Spotting these patterns doesn't solve everything, but it helps you brace yourself and have strategies ready when you know rough waters are ahead.

Moving Forward When It Gets Tough

All I've ever wanted was a civil relationship with the mother of my child. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes it doesn't. But you need to learn how to move when it comes to situations like this.

Both sides end up getting in their feelings sometimes, but that's never going to solve anything. What solves things is remembering that question: Do you love your kids more than you hate your ex?

On my best days, that question guides everything I do. On my worst days, it reminds me to take a deep breath before responding to that text that made my blood boil. Sometimes you will slip up and that’s ok. You are human you have feelings too. Just remember the end goal is protecting your childs mental state.

Self-care isn't selfish in these situations - it's necessary. When I'm taking care of myself - working out, getting enough sleep, talking to friends - I handle co-parenting challenges much better. When I'm run down - not sharing, keeping my fustration bottle up - that's when I'm most likely to engage in arguments that go nowhere.

A Final Thought

If there's one thing I want my daughters to remember about how I handled this complicated situation, it's that their dad always put them first - even when it was hard. Even when it meant swallowing my pride. Even when it meant being the bigger person for the hundredth time. That’s not saying I’m the bigger persaon all the time. Somtimes I do go for the low blow, and thats NOT ok.

Because at the end of the day, they didn't ask for any of this complexity. They just want to love both their parents without feeling guilty about it.

So if you're in the trenches of difficult co-parenting right now, hang in there, friend. Keep asking yourself that question. Keep putting your kids first. And remember: this phase of life won't last forever, just 18 years lol. But the example you're setting for your kids will stay with them for a lifetime.

What about you? What's helped you navigate the co-parenting jungle? Hit reply and let me know - we're all figuring this out together.

Talk soon, Marc